Chapter 66 Conversation with darkness - from my book Changes

Chapter 66

Conversation with Darkness

Sometimes we have to receive a lesson more than once, sometimes many times, before we remember it.  Lessons I received about anger have been difficult for me to learn because I have had a difficult time putting the lesson to use.  This story is another lesson I learned about anger.

I found myself feeling hate, and at the same time weak and impotent.  Consequently, I felt frustrated, sad, angry, full of hate; and surrounded by darkness.

I sat outside on my back porch in Florida to be alone.  I wondered what this cloud of darkness was.  I felt like the darkness was made of hate.  I wondered if this darkness was an evil spirit, influencing me to sin by having such ugly feelings.

I decided to use one of the important teachings I learned from Trackerschool; that is, to ask questions.  Tom called them the sacred questions.  The sacred questions are questions you ask and then surrender to the answer, with love and without judgement.

So, wanting to understand this darkness, I asked it, “Why are you here?”

I surrendered to nothingness and the answer that came back was, “Because I make you feel strong.”

“Well, that’s true,” I said, feeling the truth about it.  Then I said, “OK, aside from that, why are you here?”

I surrendered again and got, “I make you feel powerful and strong.”

“Yes, I can see that,” I answered.  And I asked again (since Tom suggests we ask at least four times), “Why else are you here?”

“I protect you,” was the answer.

I had to think about that.  I realized that feeling angry and full of hate put a wall up between my husband and I, which protected me from further emotional injury.  Feeling hate helped me cut him off from my heart, and distance myself from him emotionally.

“That’s good to know,” I said.  Then I asked for the fourth time, “Why else are you here?”

The answer came in a shout, “I’m here to protect you because you won’t protect yourself!”

Shocked, I sat with that for a minute.

Then I asked another series of questions Tom taught us to ask, “How can I heal this?”

I surrendered and saw the image of an alligator.  I have no idea why.

I asked again, “How can I heal this?”  I saw pink flowers.  I’m not sure why other than the fact that I love pink flowers.

I asked again, “How can I heal this?”

The answer came as a surprise, “You need to understand me.”

OK,  I thought, I will try.

I asked for the fourth time, “How can I heal this?”

The answer was, “You need to understand me and love me.”

That was another surprise.  Understand and love a dark cloud of hate?

I thought about that for a while.  Then, remembering that the darkness was there to protect me because I don’t protect myself, I asked, “What if I do protect myself?”

As soon as I asked that, the dark cloud dissipated and left behind a big energy that was clean and clear.  There was no darkness remaining, and no feeling of hate.

I realized that if I protect myself, I won’t have to feel impotent and frustrated and hateful.

I decided to buy myself some silk peony flowers (pink), and a little plastic alligator for my mantle, to remind me of that lesson.

The challenge for me has been to grow in my own strength and determination to always protect myself and not allow anyone to abuse me in any way.  Not even verbally or emotionally.  That has taken years and practice.  That is what this book is all about.