Chapter 65 Anger - from my book Changes

Chapter 65

Anger

My husband had sent me two dozen red roses and a big box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, while I was at a three week series of five Trackerschool classes.  It was winter and we were indoors during lecture and meals.  Tom Franks and Malcolm Ringwalt were both there helping to teach parts of these classes.

I had recently broken up with my husband, for one of maybe 50 times, where divorce was not mentioned.

It annoyed me that my husband sent those gifts to Trackerschool while I was in classes, like he was laying claim on me in front of everyone.

Not only did he send those gifts to Trackerschool, he addressed them to “The Tracker Babe and all the other babes there at Trackerschool”.

The volunteers made a big deal of showing me my presents when the class was called in from an outdoor exercise.

Tom Brown Jr came up to me and asked if I was the Tracker Babe.  I shook my head to say no; I wasn’t going to claim that!  Tom chuckled and walked away.

I put the roses in the dining area for the class to enjoy.

After a couple days of stewing about the flowers there in the eating area, and what they represented, I decided to throw them away.  It ticked me off just looking at them.  So I marched over, grabbed the vase of flowers, and started out of the room.

Tom Franks was sitting in the dining area talking to some students and he called out to me, “Hey, where are you going with my flowers?”

I turned on the spot and walked over to Tom Franks and said, “Oh, there you are, Happy Valentine’s Day” and handed him the roses in a feeble attempt to deny my real intent.

Tom Franks was not distracted and asked me again, “Where are you going with my flowers?”

I said I was mad at my husband so I was going to throw them away.

He asked, “Why are you so mad at yourself?”

I said, “I’m not mad at myself, I’m mad at my husband.”

Not to be dissuaded, he repeated his question, “Why are you so mad at yourself?”

Malcolm Ringwalt was standing nearby so I turned to him and said, “He says I’m mad at myself, but I’m not mad at myself, I’m mad at my husband.”

Malcolm said, “Well, when you are mad at someone, it’s usually because you’re mad at yourself.”

Tom Frank said, “Hey, don’t ask him, I’m talking to you,” and he repeated his question, “Why are you so mad at yourself?”

I just looked at him with a blank expression on my face.  I said, “What do you mean?”

He said, “Think about it.  Ask yourself why you’re so mad at yourself.”

I left the room with the roses and went into the bathroom to throw them away.  Debbie Tremmel was in there and when she saw I was going to throw the flowers away she said, “I like roses,” so I gave them to her.

I puzzled about Tom Frank’s question.  Why am I so mad at myself?  Am I mad at myself?  Why would I be mad at myself?

Eventually I realized that I was mad at myself because I felt helpless and stuck in an frustrating relationship and I was mad at myself for staying and not having the gumption to make a change.  I was not only mad at myself, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself.  I felt pitiful and stuck, and weak.  That is why I was so mad at myself.