Chapter 36 Gaslighting and Non Verbal Abuse - from my book Changes
Chapter 36
Gaslighting and Non Verbal Abuse
Though I don’t like talking about gaslighting because it stirs up bad memories, I will here briefly.
I didn’t even know the word gaslighting until I read the books Patricia Evans wrote, which I mentioned earlier.
How I ever got to the age of 48 without being exposed to this knowledge is a shame. I’ll touch on what I have learned to help anyone else who is unaware of how gaslighting and non verbal abuse is actually abuse.
Gaslighting is a form of verbal abuse. The one doing the gaslighting is not treating the other person as an equal. Gaslighting can be difficult to pin down because gaslighting is all about denial, diffusing, deflecting, disagreeing, and defending,
Gaslighting, in my opinion, is avoidance. When one person wants to have a conversation in order to try to communicate and create a better understanding and a better relationship, the other person uses gaslighting to avoid having an honest conversation.
Why would one person want to avoid having an honest conversation? Well, that is beyond the scope of this chapter, and maybe even this book since this book is about my growth. But addressing the obstacles I faced, like gaslighting, has been part of my growth.
Some people would call gaslighting “crazy making”, because it is so frustrating to try to communicate with someone who is deflecting, denying, diffusing, disagreeing and defending.
There are probably more aggressive ways of gaslighting, but since these are the ones I have dealt with most, these are the ones I will talk about.
Let’s say person #1 is the receiver of the abuse and person #2 is the abuser.
Say person #1 wants to communicate and says to person #2, “You really hurt my feelings when you yelled at me the other day.” In order to avoid discussing the problem, person #2 may say something like, “I didn’t yell at you” (denial and disagreeing), or, “you’re making a big deal out of nothing” (diffusing), or, “I don’t know why you are complaining when I give you everything you want” (deflecting), or, “Well you made me mad” (defending).
By constantly avoiding the conversation, person #2 gets away with avoiding having to face the behavior that hurt person #1. Of course, this is the way an emotionally immature and insecure person tries to hide from reality, possible consequences, and change. Unfortunately, unless person #1 is aware of and understands this form of gaslighting, it just confuses and frustrates person #1.
I was person #1.
Non verbal abuse is also addressed in Patricia Evans book, and I will touch on that here.
Here are some ways abuse happens without saying a word.
#1 asks #2 a question, and #2 ignores #1.
#1 starts talking to #2 and #2 walks away.
#2 starts talking to #1 and walks away while talking, expecting #1 to follow closely so not to miss a word. I’m not talking about someone instructing another person and needing to move along while doing so, but in the case of abuse, #2 is simply being inconsiderate of #1.
#1 starts to talk to #2 about something important or upsetting to #1, and #2 rolls their eyes, makes a disgusted face or noise, or acts angry, or gives the silent treatment.
These are just a few examples of how abuse can happen without saying a word.
There were decades in my life that I had so much PTSD from verbal abuse, gaslighting, and non verbal abuse, that if my husband acted even a little bit irritated at me, it would send me to bed, depressed, for days. I had no defenses when it came to abuse. I had no education about abuse.
Anyway, that’s enough about that here.
I encourage everyone to become educated about abuse and how to deal with it.
Patricia Evans books, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and “Controlling People” saved my life. Evans helps us recognize abuse and how to respond.
I highly recommend these books to everyone.
