Chapter 35 On the Home Front - from my book Changes

Chapter 35

On the Home Front

Going to Trackerschool was like group therapy.

At every class we divided up into groups of approximately 8 individuals, and we also found a partner among our classmates to do partner exercises with.  We were all thrown together.  We made friends that would last a lifetime; made acquaintances that would last in our memories; and we come away with gems of experience that changed our lives.

There was one friend I began to rely on as a sounding board for my challenges at home.  Reaching out beyond my family to complain about my struggles was not something I normally did, bur I had exhausted both my family and my extended family when it came to my depression.  They pretty much told me they were tired of hearing about my problems and so I stopped telling them.

I can understand how they eventually lost patience with me, staying stuck in the same situation and continuing to complain, so I reached out to my new friend from Trackerschool.  Here was a fresh person I had not exhausted with my complaining yet.

I say that tongue in cheek, but in earnest I was reaching for a lifeline because I didn’t know how to swim.  I had so much to learn still.  I needed knowledge and tools but I didn’t have the right ones yet.

She was very kind to listen to me when I needed an outlet for my pain.  Then she gave me something that changed my life and the lives of my family.  She gave me the titles of a couple of books to read that she thought would help me.  I cannot thank her enough for starting me on a path of understanding that led me to decades of growth and gave me hope that I could figure out what was wrong in my life and how to change it.

The books she recommended were:  The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People, both by Patricia Evans, a communications expert.

Reading those books showed me what was wrong with my relationship.  I was being abused.  My children were being abused.  We were all abusing each other.

I learned that verbal abuse could come in forms that were subtle.  Verbal abuse does not always mean being insulted or called names.  Verbal abuse can be anything that diminishes the person being abused.  Gaslighting is verbal abuse.  It is also emotional abuse.  Sexual abuse can also become part of the abusive relationship very easily.

The most difficult part about getting an abuser to stop being abusive is to get them to recognize they are being abusive in the first place.  Talking to them does not usually help.  Typically, something drastic must be done if there is to be any hope of saving the relationship, and even saving lives.

Fortunately for me, the kids and I wanted to learn, and the kids were open to understanding how to recognize abuse.  Together we had the desire to stop the abuse.

After reading the books I wrote phrases on a paper and taped it to the wall so the kids and I could remember to pay attention to the way we talked to each other.  I told them they could call me on it if they caught me using phrases that could be considered verbal abuse.

Without going into great detail (the detail is in those books) some of the simple phrases were things like: Your should …,  You need to ___,  Why didn’t you just ___,  Couldn’t you see that ___. In other words, one type of verbal abuse is saying something in a way that implies that the other person is less than you; that you are smarter then they are.  Verbal abuse attempts to diminish the person being abused.

Quite honestly, I think that most of us were raised with a lot of unintentional abuse, which is why I loved learning about it, and how to change our ways, through those books.

Patricia Evans taught us better ways of saying things to each other.  I realize now that therapists talk to us in this better way. They don’t hide a put down in their words, they speak to us as equals even though they are guiding us toward growth.

Here are a couple examples of a better way to say something: Instead of saying, “You need to ___”, a person could say, “Have you tried ___?”  Or instead of saying, “You should have just ___”, a person could say, “You might want to try ___”

You see the difference?  The first way is like a command, from an authority figure to a child.  The second way is like equals talking to each other.

When the kids and I had our discussion about verbal abuse and posted some phrases on the wall to remind us, we had an almost comical month of hearing “Verbal abuse!” shouted and a finger pointing to the offender.  We had all agreed to do this and I was usually the one being called out.  I was shocked to learn how often I was using those words, and very happy to be learning how to change my ways.

Learning to use what is in these two books enabled me to have a better relationship with my children than I would have otherwise had.

I highly recommend these two books for people who want to improve their relationship with their spouse, children, parents, business associates, and anyone.

Gaslighting is another type of abuse, through words or actions.  Evans goes into that in her books as well.