Chapter 69 Strategizing - from my book Changes

Chapter 69

Strategizing

As a person used to self examination, second guessing myself, and feeling shame for some of the qualities I have, like calculating and manipulating (which were needed and used in survival) I appreciated the book, “Women Who Run with the Wolves”.

Women Who Run with the Wolves is a book of stories about iconic women who overcame the difficulties in life, in various ways.   The book is about survival and giving ourselves permission to do what it takes to make it through abusive situations.  One of the stories in particular helped me feel less shame for making careful plans versus reacting emotionally and jumping “out of the frying pan into the fire” without a plan.

My plans evolved slowly and naturally as Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went.

Tax season starts up in January, and that is when my husband is absent from home for 16 hour a day until tax season is over.  I started letting my husband know I was feeling depressed.  It was easy to blame some of my depression on the fact that tax season was a time of year when I felt like I had to deal with everything on my own.  He was always too busy or too tired to talk to me.

Also, I was also not well, though at that time I didn’t have a proper diagnosis of Lyme disease yet, which had been slowly establishing itself in my body for 10 years.

I said I missed my family.  They all lived in Oregon where I grew up.

One night, when I was feeling down, and my husband was attempting to help me feel better, he suggested I go to Oregon for awhile.

I had been waiting for that.  Without any outward enthusiasm, I said, “Yeah, I think that might be a good idea.”

“I’s not that I want you to go,” He said, “I don’t want you to go.”

“I know,” I said, understanding him, “I think it’s a good idea, though.”

That was it.  He had suggested I go.  I started making outward moves toward going; renting a little trailer and packing all the boxes I had been preparing.  He didn’t want me to take any household items so I took only personal things for the children and I.

Tax season lasts 4 to 5 months, from mid January through April and even into May so my husband can catch up on other things around his office.

I started looking for places to rent in Oregon in Salem, so my daughter could continue being around friends she made while living with her sister during my extreme depression.  Then my husband and I started talking about purchasing a house instead of renting since we are in Oregon so much of the year anyway.

Eventually we purchased the home my daughter and her husband owned in Salem since they were in the process of selling it.

I moved in with little more than our clothes, my pictures, my art supplies, my journals, and my books.  We took only what I could fit into my five foot little trailer.

When we got to Oregon, the children and I stayed with my daughter and her family and helped fix up things that needed fixing in the house, so the bank would approve our mortgage loan.

Once my daughter and her husband and family moved out, my children and I took over the house.  We were given furniture through my mom and dad (my generous hoarder/provider parents) and friends from church.  Everything else: silverware, cooking pots and pans, plates, bowls and cups, I bought.

We established ourselves in a homeschool group and at church, and spent time with family.  I felt like I was being embraced by community and family, and had the peace I needed to begin my emotional healing.