Difficulties - from my book Changes

Chapter 3

Difficulties

Only a few months into my first marriage my husband mentioned that I was lacking somehow.  He compared me to a dance partner who was not sharing the tension needed to move together in a balanced way.  I was like a limp noodle; too easily pushed and pulled without any push back.  He was disappointed I was not providing any resistance or the appropriate tension as a partner.

Here’s the problem, I was taught to find a good husband and then be a follower, supporting him and his career.  And  of course, to be a good mom and a homemaker.  I even remember being told it would be easiest to be like a blank page, ready to become whatever my husband needed me to be.

I was like a Stepford wife, yet my husband didn’t appreciate me.

Another thing I remember my mom saying is that it is better to not have a career because if a woman has a career and makes her own money, it is too easy for her to leave her marriage.  When she is dependent on her husband, she will work harder to stay and make her marriage work.

I trusted her advice and was very easily molded into the ideal wife and mother she thought I needed to be.

My mom was my best friend.  I really loved her, and I still love her dearly.  Maybe in an ideal world, her advice would work and I could have been a happy homemaker for ever and ever, but that was not to be.

The fact that some of my essential parts were missing turned out to be a big problem.

I could not feel anger because my angry self had been locked away since I was small, so really, I was only partially present.  The sugar and spice and everything nice was present in abundance. But that sweet and loving part of me did not know how to defend me or make good choices about what not to tolerate in a relationship.

I was sorely lacking in the bitch department.

Now, let me be clear.  There is a big difference, in my opinion, between a good bitch and a bad bitch.  A good bitch is a woman who stands up for herself and recognizes when someone tries to trample on her, and she does not allow it.  A good bitch can rise up and be ferocious when needed.  A good bitch is a warrior, a mighty dragon who has not had her teeth and claws removed.

A bad bitch is someone who … well, I won’t go into that; use your imagination.

The point is, the good bitch demands respect.  Her strength and ferocity rarely need to come out and fight. Her strength can be sensed and she always knows her power, therefore she seldom needs to display it.

Men seem to love a woman more when she stands up for herself and does not allow them or any one else to take unfair advantage of her, or mistreat her in any way.

There is actually a book out called, “Why Men Marry Bitches” that goes into this subject in detail.  I highly recommend it.

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My sugar and spice and everything nice self has been married twice.

My first husband appeared to be full of self confidence.  He told me when we were dating that he was going to be president of the Untied States someday, and asked me if I could handle being the first lady.

I didn’t know whether he would ever rise to such a position, but I admired his ambition.

He was very talkative.  He used to read to me and I enjoyed our discussions and the positive things he taught me.

Shortly after we married I became pregnant.  He talked me into quitting my job and staying home so I would have more energy for him when he came home from work.  I was tired a lot and didn’t feel very well so I was fine with that. After all, that is what I was raised for!

Unfortunately, he was not a happy person and I became the scapegoat.

After our fifth child was born, we divorced.  He said it was because I didn’t have a high powered career like a doctor or lawyer.

When I offered to find employment outside the home, he said it was “too little, too late.”

He didn’t respect me as a homemaker and homeschooling mother, and he wanted to be free to pursue happiness.

My second and present husband seemed to have an opposite personality.  He was quiet and had a successful business.  He was very fun and we became best friends before we became romantic.

The first two years of our marriage were ideal.

After that, my first husband stopped paying child support, I became pregnant with my second husbands and my first child (my sixth) and I stopped attending college (I was going to get an accounting degree so I could work with my husband at his business) to take care of the baby.

Something shifted drastically between my second husband and I and he began acting like he was irritated with me.  He wouldn’t tell me why and denied the change in his attitude.

Things went downhill from there.  Over the years we had three more beautiful children together, but life didn’t improve and I became more and more depressed.

After years of trying to understand him and have a happy marriage, I decided I would have to leave.

But I was not strong enough.  I was full of fear.  I was going to have to figure out how to be strong enough to go.

Then I had a vision of sorts.  I needed to learn how to take care of people in the woods.  That vision led to the next steps I took.